Royalists and Republicans can drive one up the fence

Last weekend’s Jubilee celebrations enabled many committed to having/not having a monarchy to vent their feelings, particularly on Twitter. My own view is that they’re probably more use than many think but that some sort of publicly elected committee should review them every now and again and cut out any that are misbehaving. Half-way to a democratic situation and possibly a more practical solution than choosing new ones through a TV talent show as in The Royal Factor! But I would urge you to buy it anyway just make sure…

But honestly! The arguments people make could make one swing both ways (not bisexually of course). Some Republicans were comparing the crowds attending the Jubilee celebrations to the adulation of Kim Jong Il.  I didn’t attend although I live nearby, no-one tried to make me go and my career has not suffered for my non-attendance. And the fact that these people could compare the situation so unfavourably with that in North Korea, you would have thought, would be a good indicator that a Kim Jong Il situation really does not exist.

But then you get the Royalists. I don’t think Queen Elizabeth is so bad but I am not going to go overboard on compliments. However, the extreme sycophancy from some Royalists really gave their cause a bad name. One tweeter, who poses as some sort of Royal information service, responded to the Queen’s statement that she’d been humbled by the celebrations by saying: “No, Your Majesty, we are humbled by you!” I cringed a fair bit and thought I might give the Republican thing another go.

Then the big row about the unpaid and unlooked-after stewards erupted. This was a shocking situation, which says so much about society and the business world that now exists. Allegedly, a number of unemployed people were bussed in, made to sleep under bridges and then steward the pageant in return for some boots and hi-viz vests. This abuse of people must be stopped. But several tweeters started to comparing this to Nazi forced labour. One said that the motto Arbeit Macht Frei would be a likely strap-line for the company involved.

I was interested in this approach and asked the person how this would help ensure this situation did not occur again. I asked if they were aware of the other purpose of the camps bearing the motto Arbeit Macht Frei? I suggested that this hysterical comparison of corporate misbehaviour with death camps would actually smokescreen what was going on – as well as being quite insulting to relatives of the millions exterminated. Of course, the replies suggested that my criticism indicated my support for the steward situation(!) and justified this approach by saying that the tweeter was aware of what death camps were about through ‘word of mouth’. So I went a little bit Royalist again, right back to where I started.

Let loose down the shops

"Get me something that'll give me a bit of a buzz," asked Fergie...

Yorkie came in in a bit of a panic, apparently Fergie had asked him to get a flunky to collect something from the shops, I'm not quite sure what it was but he said it would give her quite a buzz, maybe some Pro-Plus tablets. Anyway, it appears that the old girl said she was popping down the shops in Bromley so he asked her instead. Anyway, it seems that the royal correspondents got wind that she was up for some retail therapy and turned out in their droves. Yorkie did ask me to stop the pictures getting on to social media but I think I was too late. Got that bloody Gold woman on the phone now asking if she can have the 'By Royal Appointment' crest on her bunnies now...

Failure and triumph of the TA

RAOC cap badge

My military career was short-lived, unlike my dad's, who rose from Private to Lieutenant Colonel over a 25-year army career. When I told him I was joining the TA he went on about the slaughter that had taken place, leading up to Dunkirk, of chaps who had "dressed up as soldiers at weekends and gone drinking." He wasn't being disrespectful of them, he was genuinely upset at the way their lives had been wasted by throwing them up against well-trained and battle-experienced German units, with their lack of training and terrible equipment, compared with that of the Wehrmacht.





I joined the TA in the 80s thinking I would run about creating havoc amongst the invading Russians. However, I accidentally joined the Royal Army Ordnance Corps, affectionately known as the Rag & Oil Brigade, which was actually responsible for stores.





The physical fitness test was running three miles in half an hour. I trained for this, it's not actually too hard. However, on the test day I found that you could stop for a 20-minute break and get a taxi to the finish line, such was the desperation to get people to join. So I got in and continued my two weeks of basic training.

As well as the odd physical activity, we had classroom lessons. One of these was a dose of propaganda, where we were told that if you look over the Berlin Wall, the Russian tanks you saw were made of cardboard. My dad told me that during the last war, soldiers were told that many German tanks were cardboard, he found out at Dunkirk that this was not the case. I pointed this out and the fact that we knew for certain that the Russians had thousands more real tanks than us, they would have more difficulty producing cardboard versions. The sergeant said that he was just told to tell us this and had no idea if it was actually true.





We had our passing out parade. I held the flag whilst my colleagues demonstrated their marching moves to a Brigadier as I could not march in a straight line, along with another chap who sobbed throughout the ceremony as he was also unable to march without embarrassing our colleagues. For me it was a triumph, for him it was a humiliation. We were given a lie to tell to the Brigadier to explain why we couldn't march, mine was a 'sprained ankle'. In the evening we had a curry laid on, which meant stripping one soldier naked and sticking chapatis to him with meat korma.

Then it was weekend training. I was issued with a railway warrant to one place and directions to another, a TA tradition. The first weekend was camouflage. We were issued with green netting on the Friday night to find that it had snowed on the Saturday, so we were sent home.

The next training weekend was on the ranges; unfortunately it was foggy so we couldn't see the targets - so we were sent home.





Another odd occurrence was when I and two other 'soldiers' were asked to meet two officers whilst we were in basic training. We assumed that it was to discuss insubordination as the three of us had been pulled up a number of times by some of the less humorous NCOs for ridiculing some of their more bizarre requests. However, we were asked if we would consider training and tests for a commission. All three of us agreed to this. But you won't be surprised to hear that that was the last we ever heard of it. And when we enquired about the situation we were told that such a discussion would never have taken place until we had served for three years...




I would have been in no position to threaten anyone with a weapon even whilst in the TA, let alone after, but I could have demonstrated how to store a number of different types of fire extinguishers. I resigned after one year, I would have been a liability. And I have encountered more organised herds of cats.




In the Royal Factor a group of soldiers features, which I always wanted to be a part of but it was not to be. I hope for the sake of soldiers, their families and all of us, that the TA, or Army Reserve, is better than this now.

The Duke, the mobility scooter and my dad's dog...

My hero has been at it again! Asking a man 30 years his junior whether he'd run anyone over on his mobility scooter. My dad had one one of those scooters, he certainly used to run people over on it. He also used to take the dog for a 'walk' on it, and then a 'drag' when the dog itself reached geriatric years. In the end he was threatened with the RSPCA so the dog used to get on the scooter with him. It was a tight fit but it worked for both of them.

You can read about the Duke's latest edgy conversation here...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/prince-philip/9173602/Duke-of-Edinburgh-asks-disabled-man-How-many-people-have-you-knocked-over-with-your-mobility-scooter.html

And this may have been what my dad looked like, but it's not him, he never wore yellow.

Witches!

I'm not saying anything...

Another Royal lets us down

The Duke of York, impersonating the late Colonel Gadaffi

One Royal who has really let us down in recent years is the Duke of York. Time was when 'Randy Andy' would be linked to a wide range of European and American ladies who were most generous with their wares, and these dalliances would find their way into our papers. King Edwards VII & VIII would have been proud. However, of late he has only managed an unfortunate situation with a money lender who was alleged to be a sex-offender. And now he just gets called 'Air Miles Andy' because of his travels. His ex-wife achieved far more impactful scandals, and she wasn't even a real Royal. Having said that, a friend of mine who was an undercover gossip reporter met her at a party. This journalist and she had no-one else to talk to so they spent the night chatting. He said she was so nice that he couldn't bring himself to report the tittle-tattle he learned that evening; a heart-warming tale in these Leveson times.

Duke of Edinburgh asks Royal Navy girl if she works in a strip club

I once had a meeting with the Duke of Edinburgh through work. I expected to think he was awful. However, I came out of the meeting with my vaguely republican views slightly shaken as he seemed like a bizarrely entertaining kindly old uncle. Mind you, he could still be a sort of honorary uncle without being a Duke.  In the meeting he made an amusing gaffe about the paralympics, which was a common-sense enquiry that he did not mean to be offensive, it just came out that way.

I told a Daily Mirror journalist about it and she wanted to use it, I said no as I would probably lose my client, who had asked me to attend the meeting, if I did so. And to her credit she didn't, even though she asked me about it for months afterwards.

One day I'll say what it was but, in the mean time, here's a video of the naval strip-club incident to be going on with.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOODzX42yaw