Thursday, 10 October 2019

The Kurds certainly helped these Brits in WW2

Dad, on the left, rampaging through Belgium, commandeering German equipment in-between sleeping with princesses

My ol' man was a terrible father but a great soldier. He went from Private to Lieutenant Colonel in WW2 and was commissioned at the request of King George VI and further promoted at the direct recommendation of Monty.

He was rescued by HMS Skipjack at Dunkirk, which was sunk the next day. He was disgusted at the leadership of the army at that time, which largely comprised ex-public schoolboys placed by their fathers, schools or starry-eyed generals despite lacking any aptitude for their roles. After Dunkirk there was a significant clear out of these people, which gave people like my ol' man a chance. He was at El Alamein and then D-Day, where he rampaged to Belgium.

He boasted loudly to me and my brother in  a Belgian restaurant in the 90s that a certain Belgian princess was an 'old slapper'. We remonstrated with him and he responded: "Even I slept with her..."

After he left the Army he refused an MBE. None of us believed the latter, but my daughter found the records online.

But the thing that impressed me the most was his story, which he has written down, and which I mean to translate into usable English, about Monty's request that he find a route into the USSR from North Africa for a possible retreat should Rommel push us back.

It is a fantastic story of getting a platoon of men through exotic middle-eastern places, and over geographical boundaries, eventually reaching and passing into the Soviet Union.

However, there was one major drawback. And it was pretty big. Nobody had told the Soviets. So when the ol' man pitched up to some Soviet army base expecting a warm welcome and pint of vodka, he and his men were immediately arrrested as German spies. Even this bloke from Hoxton couldn't get past the famous Soviet distrust of anybody, even each other.

He was invited into the local commandant's office to discuss the situation. But rather than a discussion, he found out at the end of the cosy chat that this was, in fact, the trial. The translator, who grew up in New York, told him him: "Jeez, I feel sorry for you guys, but at least it'll be quick." They were to be shot the next day.

He and his men were locked up with some Kurdish prisoners, who had been planning an escape. I don't know the detail of this until I make some real effort with the ol' man's manuscript but somehow the Kurds got themselves out, and my ol' man and his men, and they all made a break for the border.

One of the reasons I found my dad hard to deal with was his hypocritical racism. He was opposed to the UK accepting Ugandan Asians into the UK, for example, but made a fortune selling them refrigeration equipment they bought with Government and other grants, and made friends with many but criticised them being here behind their back, as so many British people did (and still do).

But if you said anything against the Kurds...

Wednesday, 24 July 2019

Cynical Business Poet

I heard John Cooper Clarke, the punk poet, on Desert Island Discs the other day, I found it really inspiring. So much so that I'm adapting much of the copy from my A-Z of Cynicism in the Workplace into some cynical poetry. Here's the first one.

The alpha-male

The alpha-male
Will never fail
To drive you fucking insane
His ski-ing prowess
Will create much stress
With endless tales of Gastein.

He's sold more than you
And clients love him too
He'll lead you to understand
His bonus is massive
And his Rolex is magic
Wiping his arse with its minute hand.

He causes office division
Whilst oozing narcissism
With slicked-back hair
And a leather office chair
From which he can wipe his jizm.

His car's a Maserati
And his bit-on-the-side is nasty
With a mouth only made for slagging
She'll insult your suits from her Gucci boots
Not knowing who else Alpha is shagging.

I'll stay in my baggy suit for now
Waiting for my chance to wow
Like the alpha-male does
With his designer fuzz
And a wife he refers to as 'Cow'.

D Eckhoff

Sunday, 31 March 2019

The Remlic card

Brexiteers: put your money where your mouth is!

The Remlic Card, pre-Brexit life for Remoaners on plastic

It looks the men of the people like Rees-Mogg, Johnson, Farage, etc, have persuaded (some of) the people that despite their public-school backgrounds and careers that their parents worked so hard for them to be given, that a vote their way is a vote against the establishment. So, if you’re a Brexiteer you’ll have won for them what they wanted. Let’s just hope they look after you when things don’t go as well as they promised you they would.

No doubt you’ll be proud of what you’ve achieved. Maybe you can write down what exactly this is in a quiet reflective moment. But in the mean time I’d like to propose something that will make it easier to push through what you wanted so much, and enable you to confidently back what the Daily Mail, Sun and Daily Express recommended you do with your vote.

As a dedicated Remoaner who never wanted your country handed to over to the hard right, who never wanted to see a neo-Nazi preaching and being lauded by our cenotaph, who didn’t want to see your standard of living wrecked, your jobs decimated and your services lost, I’m suggesting that all Remoaners down tools and let you get on with it, on one small condition, that you put your money where your mouth is.

I’m suggesting a two-tier society where you get exactly what you voted for, it’s the Remlic card: the Remoaner Life Insurance Card. You got blue passports (made in France), we want a good British Remlic card. This will provide us with:
  • NHS queue jumping over Brexiteers. There will be less money for the NHS after Brexit so we want better odds of getting treatment for the tax we paid. We want that money to be spent on our bunions and haemorrhoids, not on ensuring your heroes got a crack at being Prime Minister.
  • Access to health services overseas like we had with our EHIC cards. If you go to Spain and fall off a bar stool after sixteen pints of Tennents, get your mates to sort you out and drive you home.
  • If there is any rationing, double coupons for us and our families, a bit like double Green Shield stamps from the halcyon days of the 60s. I’m slightly concerned that some warnings on this might be a bit overkill but don’t want to take the chance.
  • 20% more than you on foreign exchange. When you go overseas and you suddenly realise a pint costs you nearly as much as those crimplene trousers in the back of the Daily Express, you can always blame the EU, like you’ll be told to do, and that’ll take your pain away. We will blame you but as we’re not allied with the BNP or Stephen Yaxley-Lennon we won’t give you the good hammering you deserve. Knowing that we’ll get our drink cheaper will sort us out.
  • Discounts on goods that get a Brexit mark-up. Again, you will blame the EU. You will also blame our politicians, yet before the referendum you agreed with me that they were useless and never did what you wanted. But I will blame you, you were warned about this, yet you chose this.
  • We can resort to those pesky EU laws that the Daily Mail told you that you didn't want. So if your shoes or union flag fall to bits after one wearing or waving you can just buy some more. We can have a two-year guarantee on ours.
So, what have you got to lose? It cannot go wrong for you, Johnson and Nige said so! You can register your agreement by leaving some poorly spelt abuse through the comments link.

Thursday, 31 January 2019

Crime, punishment and hypocrisy - at Tottenham Hotspur

Last night I was asked to accompany a friend to Wembley to see his beloved Spurs, at Wembley as their house isn’t ready yet. I’ve been lucky enough to visit many grounds across the UK, but all of them feature ‘football fans’. Last night’s special subject amongst Spurs fans holding court over various sections was ‘Fernando Llorente and his contribution to Tottenham Hotspur’. It wouldn’t have taken Stephen Hawking to work out that Fernando was unpopular. He was described for 80 minutes as “useless” and a “c*nt”. Some of the more mathematically gifted worked out and argued over how much he was being paid per minute to besmirch the lily-white shirt with his Spanish body. Derision was also aimed at Spurs’ manager, who apparently had ‘no balls’, when there were two substitutions yet Fernie was left on.
And then he scored.
I’m not saying that football fans are fickle but the calculators were put away and every positive thing the heroic Fernando had ever achieved for Spurs was recounted lovingly. He could have married their daughters, and whilst waiting for the wedding he would have been invited round for Sunday afternoon intercourse with their wives whilst the husbands looked on and admired his technique.
And then poor old Fernando needed a rest. He knew that after he’d scored he could go down if a Watford player so much as gave him a sideways glance, and then stay there whilst waiting to be tucked up in a duvet by Spurs fans now concerned about what his ‘work rate’ had done to his geriatric 33-year old body. Contrast this with the reaction of the Spurs faithful who had demanded throughout that Watford’s keeper, Ben Foster, be executed for time-wasting each and every moment he got the ball.
The other observation is about fans of the same team fighting amongst themselves. In football crowds things are said that couldn’t be said elsewhere. They are not always ‘politically correct’ and thankfully most of outright racist comments have disappeared. And some of the things said are very funny.
But an incident I saw last night was funny in its abject hypocrisy. A man of about 70 stood up and laid into another, younger man. “Don’t you f*cking swear in front of my son!” he screamed. “You can f*ck off to another seat if you want to f*cking swear you c*nt!” The son looked on bemused; he was about 45, and looked as though he’d like a good swear himself. Eventually the stewards intervened and settled them down. But then it all erupted again and the protective, sweary father and sensitive son decided they would move to two of the other 70,000 seats available in the stadium.
The only other crowds I’ve been in that are as amusing as this are at the ballet, and possibly the rugby where you can drink with abandon and trade insults with opposing fans who won’t try to murder you in return. At baseball you can sleep and eat your own weight in burgers as the ‘sport’ is as dull as the audience. At cricket you can also get a*seholed but as it goes on for so bloody long you can leave and visit an art gallery during a game and not miss anything so drinking yourself into oblivion won’t waste any money spent on the ticket.
Who wants to take me to another game?

Friday, 27 October 2017

Wetherspoons, bitten by the hand it feeds


Sometimes, something happens that demonstrates so well what you'd struggle to convince anyone would happen until it happens. And here it is.

So simple, yet beautiful and tragic at the same time. Of course, anyone actually interested in the news and what's happening in the UK currently (and the US) would spot instantly that a company run by one of Britain's most outspoken Brexiteers would be most unlikely to make such a statement around poppies. It's also bleedin' obvious that not many Muslims (the usual target of anti-multiculturalism commentators) ever visit a Wethie's for a pint and a full English.

But that didn't stop Britain's army of anti-social commentators delivering hate by the pint at Wetherspoon's and its Brexit-batty owner Tim Martin.

Which is funny because it's the exact audience that's turned on Martin that he went after with all his matey petty nationalist Brexit nonsense, along with Britain First, Murdoch, the Daily Mail, Express, Sun, Gove, Johnson, Farage and a whole host of other horribles that you wouldn't want to drink next to.

Because the truth is that apart from a few nutcases, no-one finds the poppy offensive; what is offensive is using the poppy to generate hate and being gullible enough to be sucked in by this nonsense.

Thousands of Muslims died in the two World Wars, some Muslim associations sell poppies. Yet even when we've got past this latest 'poppygate' we'll be into the Mail/Express/Sun telling us people 'somewhere' are being forced to say 'Winterval' or 'holiday' instead of 'Christmas', or 'We can't have Christmas decorations/nativity plays because they offend Muslims'. The latter always confuses as to how people are taken in by this as the UK is literally dripping with Christmas lights and other paraphernalia, and people complaining that Christmas has come too soon.

So congratulations to spoof site @Wetherspoon_UK. A tiny step to demonstrating to the UK how it's been shafted on Brexit by some of Britain's greatest manipulators.

Oh yes, £350m for a pint anyone? Before Turkey joins the EU. All our beers are made in Brussels, and so on.We can sort Brexit over a nice pint of beer. Watch your pockets though...

Monday, 19 June 2017



"Start questioning what you hear, even if you think you agree with it."


If you don't, Farage, Hopkins, Banks, Waters and Robinson will have got what they wanted from you, and I promise you this: when you are on fire, they will not urinate on you.

I quite like the Facebook post (below in italics) from Al-Radaideh Moh'd, it makes some good points and demonstrates very well how our mainstream press simply lies to its audience, saying what it wants hear, to support sales and political ends.
Propaganda has been used for 1000s of years to help achieve the objectives of a few, through manipulating many.
In more recent times Hitler used it to turn the population of Czechoslovakia on itself in order to make his invasion easier. He claimed atrocities against people of German descent; some of these were real (he had whipped them up through propaganda like ISIS uses idiot right-wing hate propaganda here so that it can recruit saying "Look they hate you!" to idiot Muslims who fall for propaganda) and some were simply made up for media that he controlled (sounding familiar?).
It's happening here in the UK with the likes of Farage, Hopkins, Banks, Tommy Robinson (real name Stephen Lennon, son of Irish immigrants, hates immigrants), Anne Marie Waters, The Daily Mail, Express and The Sun, all of whom want salaries, power and/or sales. And in every incident we experience you can see the hand of propaganda getting those to act who will not question what they've been told.
You're better than this UK. I don't care who you listen to, moderate right, moderate left, or moderate middle but start questioning what you hear, even if you think you agree with it. Otherwise you'll end up hating someone who at worst might be indifferent to you. If you don't do this, we will all suffer, apart from the likes of Farage, Hopkins, Banks, Waters and Stephen Lennon; they will have got they wanted from you, and I promise you this: when you are on fire, they will not urinate on you.
Facebook post by Al-Radaideh Moh'd after A van was been driven into a crowd of pedestrians near a London mosque, killing one man and injuring eight other people.

To clarify a few things.

1.) Anyone trying to justify this attack as some sort of "revenge" attack, are themselves supporting terrorism. The same exact logic is used by ISIS members to justify attacks on British civilians. Eg that they are revenge for Western military wars, attacks and strikes in Iraq, Syria and Libya.

There is NO justification for the killing of innocent civilians, least of all in barbaric acts of terrorism.

2.) If you believe Muslims didn't come out in force to condemn all the ISIS terrorist attacks then you are ignorant, perhaps likely even a bigot or racist, who only sees things that suit your own particular preconceived agenda. Tens of thousands of Muslims, like me, came out to offer thoughts, prayers and support for terrorist victims, and donated money too.

3.) If you believe Sadiq Khan stated that "terrorism is part and parcel of living in a big city", you are woefully ignorant, misled by the right wing media.

Here is Sadiq Khan's full quote to that infamous lime.

"What I do know, is part and parcel of living in a great global city is you've got to be prepared for these things, you've got to be vigilant, you've got to support the police, who are doing an incredibly hard job. You've got to support the security services." - Sadiq Khan

Are you all suggesting that being prepared for terrorist attacks isn't or shouldn't be part of living in a great city? That we should instead stay unprepared??

Khan NEVER suggested terrorism was part and parcel of living in a big city. Just that being prepared for terrorism was!

The full quote is in the video I've linked above, and is the source of ALL these articles. There is no other. But here's how the Daily Mail reported it.

Terror attacks are 'part and parcel of living in a big city', claims London mayor Sadiq Khan The Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, has said that living with terror attacks - like the one that hit New York at the weekend - is 'part and parcel of living in a big city'.

Notice his full quotation is missing from the article completely. The Daily Mail and other right wing rags only actually quote one piece of the his full quote, and essentially fill in their own fabricated version of the rest.

A classic propaganda technique used to mischaracterise or misconstrue the facts or actual truth. Written in a way to intentionally target and misinform the already ignorant.

4.) As the second far right terrorist attack in just a year (Thomas Mair killed Jo Cox June 2016) it is clear that far right or White supremacist extremism is also becoming an issue here in the UK, and as such I think it's only fair that far right leaning supporters are also watched, vetted and investigated, the way thousands of mostly innocent Muslims are. At the end of the day, it's about the security of British people, irrespective of race, religion colour or creed.

5.) Just remember, British people died in this attack, even if they were Muslim.

6.) In the same way people call for Mosques etc to be monitored, it's clear we now need to monitor far right organisations and media for potentially breeding terrorists or hatred too. This means taking a look at The Daily Mail, The Sun, The Express, Britain First, EDL, Tommy Robinson and so on, who have all in certain less indirect ways, inspired division, hatred and discourse.

7.) Hopefully we can come together to reject terrorism on all sides, and show unity, love and compassion, the exact thing that ISIS and Far Right extremists do not want, since creating division, fear and hatred is their modus operandi.

In any case, my thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and all those affected, as they do each and every time an evil, heinous attack like this tales place.

Peace and love.

Thursday, 26 January 2017


  • Southeastern Railways' management of derailment situation for passengers who still insist on going to work (and home again) causes more carnage than ASLEF or RMT ever managed through strikes at sister-company Southern Rail
  • Southeastern's contingency plan trapped behind filing cabinet. Manager with long fingers still off sick.
 Cab drivers in south-east London today called for Southeastern Railways managing director to be knighted after a complete lack of ability to provide any trains on a scale unprecedented since the week before, the week before that, the week before that and the week before that (ad infinitum).
"This'll cheer you up, it's our new strapline!"
The lack of trains led to many of them buying second and even third homes (third homes come really cheap if they are situated near Southeastern Railway stations) after working 25 hours a day, eight days a week transporting Southeastern's season-ticket holders around south-east London. Such were the carbon emissions generated around New Eltham that Donald Trump has agreed to 'look again' at climate change.
Cannon Street 24 January 2016. No trains running but all listed as 'on time'.
What a difference five minutes makes! All now 'delayed'... Apparently the information system is called Darwin. However, it has failed to evolve into a system that actually provides any useful information. When passengers asked if there was a manager on the station who could give us information we were informed that he "is on a 'break'"
Sidcup cabbie Bert Streatham-Rothschild said: "I've made Philip Green look like Billy No-Notes with my new found wealth. I'm so rich now that me and my Nissan are listed on the New York stock exchange. Southeastern has done me a right favour and it's only right that its MD gets recognition for the carnage that has led to my success. Mind you them passengers can be a bit miserable after they've been camping at a railway station since Christmas, no wonder those Southeastern Jonnies hate them so much."

London First, the organisation set up to make London look well tasty to work in by only protesting about the state of London's train services when there's a strike, could use pictures like this to show how much more time you get in London last thing at night, courtesy of Southeastern. You too can be transported to a station nowhere near where you live, with an even longer delay than advertised, to find all the staff gone and the cab office shut.

London Assembly Member, Dave Ham, said: "Is there a strike? It must be a strike. Bloody unions crippling London with their tea breaks and making British Leyland go bust. When I said before the election I'd challenge Southeastern I actually meant to a duel but that's illegal now so I can't do it. Good luck getting to work! Keep those emissions down though, get a bike or something. Let me know if there's a strike though and I'll wade in straightaway."
People made to dress in pink or powder-blue vests by
Southeastern specifically to say "I don't know" in eight different languages.
Southeastern Railways said: "It's an honour but we'd actually like the cash instead, is that possible? We don't know what passengers expect, we invested in thousands of gallons of paint and painted each of those pole things on the platforms hundreds of times over and now we give them the chance to inspect them whilst they wait for trains, literally for hours, they get miffed! By the way, that'll be £20 for that interview, or the full single fare from Wick."
"We hate you, inconveniencing us with requests to get our sh*t together..."
It is true that this week it's a derailment, and not a broken-down train or signals (or both), missing staff or sun too low in the sky. But cabbies were delighted when promises of services on other lines meant passengers had to get to stations much further away. Cabbies were positively orgasmic when services on those lines failed too and passengers re-emerged from stations waving wads of cash at them after Southeastern said what was happening to services was a 'secret' between it and its maker.
See here for January 2016 article celebrating Southeastern's achievements.