Sunday, 23 November 2014

Southeastern Delay Dating ®, a matchmaking service from @theroyalfactor

Welcome to Britain's newest and most original dating service: your chance to meet up with a new person who won't be able to get away from you! 

Just tweet @theroyalfactor with a little bit about yourself!

  • Find a new partner or friend whom you've something in common with!
  • Pass delays more productively!
  • Get some value out of your train ticket!
  • Look forward to travelling on Southeastern!
People making friends on a (tube) train, public transport is a hot bed for relationship development. 
It's no secret that Southeastern Railways has been voted the worst railway company in Britain, on more than one occasion. But never let a negative get in your way. I wrote a whole novel whilst being stuck on  SE's trains or platforms and now I'm offering you the chance to change your life too and get some value out of your ticket, at last.

Guy's Hospital from one side of train

London City Mission from the other side of the train
If you travel on Southeastern you'll have spent ages staring at the buildings above, stuck outside London Bridge due to Network Rail and Southeastern not expecting any trains through that morning, or trains or signals or both breaking down.The building on the right is the London City Mission and the people in there do some very good work, whilst being stared at by thousands of us lot seething with anger over the price of our tickets and our train not moving, with someone telling us it's 'congestion', or not telling us anything. Of course trains get stuck in many other places too - and we're always stuck on platforms because the train has been cancelled or is just stuck before it's even got to us.


How it works

It works like this: wherever you're stuck, Don't just sit there wondering how you'll murder the next person who tells you to 'move down' when there's nowhere to move, or how you'd spend the bonuses Southeastern's executives award themselves for abandoning us and saying it's Network Rail's/your fault, get  Delay Dating® your next partner!

Tweet me, @theroyalfactor, telling me a little about yourself and in turn I will sell you in to the thousands of my followers who are also sufferers of the demon revenue-collecting machine's railway 'service'. Then, if it all works properly you'll get tweets from fellow victims eager to tell you about themselves. Then spend journeys tweeting and DMing each other about where your train is stuck or the state of the station where trains are not arriving, until you're ready to meet! Remember to put #delaydating in your tweet to me!


Your first Delay Date®!

Imagine your first Delay Date® with your new found friend or partner! No more struggling for words! Here are some openers:

  • "I got stuck for two hours last night!"
  • "I had to sell my Rolex to buy my monthly ticket!"
  • "My season ticket costs more than yours!"
  • "I was abandoned at St John's at midnight, I'm still in therapy..."
  • "Sorry if I smell a bit, I've been sitting on a urine-soaked train seat for half an hour."
  • "Do you like buses? My railway replacement bus was an AEC from 1964. I saw it disappear around the corner just as I found it, 3/4 of a mile from the station..."
  • My train this morning had only four carriages, OK that might save Southeastern a few bob but I had to wrap my legs around a man's neck in order to fit on the train."
  • "Run away with me and you'll have access to a year's worth of Delay Repay vouchers darlin'. We could get to Herne Hill outside of peak time."
  • "Can I stay at yours tonight? Trains are all cancelled due to a purse on the line at Kemsing."

Terms and conditions

  1. Delay Dating® is free, don't pay for imitation services!
  2. Don't travel to a Delay Date® by Southeastern - you all know why. Walk, cycle or go by car.
  3. Do not send me or anyone else personal information. Just a little bit about you and your interests. No bank account details, PINs or size of tackle, etc.
  4. Only meet people in public places, so not most Southeastern stations after 6pm, or St John's at any time. 
  5. All relationships catered for whether straight, L,G, B, or T, it's my rules, not Ukip's. Just nothing illegal though, again, according to current law, not as Ukip and its crazy followers would have it.
  6. After one blind date I set up they were at it like rabbits for months, and they told me all about it. When they split they also told me all about it, and held me partly responsible. Just like Southeastern tells us, I take no responsibility for any relationship. Though I will probably get a machine that reads out empty apologies.