Thursday, 8 October 2015

UKIP warns of 'sharia cakes'

"There could be millions of them in there."

UKIP's cake spokesman, George Kipling, claimed today that Great British Bake Off winner, Nadiya Hussain, is part of an Islamic plot to change UK culture irreversibly from one of afternoon teas and idyllic murders in 1930s country houses to towering Islamic wedding cakes with room inside for hundreds of "illegals."

"You mark my words," said UKIP's Mr Kipling. "There'll be tears at prayer time with literally millions of illegal immigrants, fresh from Muslimstan, popping out of mosque-shaped cakes that Labour councils' sharia byelaws will make us all have, or we'll be stoned to death outside Sainsbury's for not being 'politically correct'."

Defending its cake spokesman, UKIP said that his comments about the "Gay brown unqualified anaesthetist bloke's funny ideas about men getting married to each other causing the thunder, lightning and rain," during the Bake Off final would be fully investigated. along with the further comment about him "Only becoming an anaesthetist so he could look at men's private parts while they were asleep."

However, we now understand that after Mr Kipling apologised, UKIP dropped the investigation. "I understand that Muslim bakers won't make cakes for gay weddings, these boys can't be that bad," he said. "We can do business with them."

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

(Not a) Tory scum!

I've just got back from the Conservative conference in Manchester, and very enjoyable it was too. I also go to Labour and LibDem conferences, though this year I only managed to visit the Tories.

What was different about this year's Tory conference was the level of protest, I don't recall seeing it that intense and hostile before. There were protests against NHS cuts, benefit cuts, environmental issues, treatment of refugees and generally against anyone being a Conservative.

I found myself being approached in the street by random people who shouted "Tory scum!" in my face. Obviously this was quite disturbing, and I was particularly upset at being called a Tory. But I was also angry because though I share the views many of these people have, I didn't want them and their twisted hatred on my side.

We've all had that experience when you're in a debate with someone and an idiot chimes in, 'supporting' you, with a completely stupid argument or some obviously false fact that makes you wish you were arguing against them. This was like that, but on another level. Someone chanting "XXXX politician is a paedophile!" because there has been a paedophile scandal in his or her constituency takes no issue any further; it is morbidly stupid.

Some new friends I made for a bit of protection

Starburst - lethal weapon

The biggest challenge was getting into the conference. The entrance provided ample opportunity for the dedicated anarchist to abuse 'Tories' as they waited in a queue to go through security. Think about it like getting to the airport and waiting in line whilst a baying mob spits, screams, insults your parents and throws sweets at you. Even a Starburst can be a lethal weapon in the wrong hands.

However, what the assailants didn't know was that a huge percentage of those going into the conference were Labour and other voters. Whether for work or personal interest, many people attending the Conservative conference are not actually Conservatives. A previous Labour Parliamentary candidate once told me at a conference that he estimated from the number of Labour activists alone, who work in politics that he saw at conference, that up to 70% of delegates were not Tory supporters. I think this is an overestimate but it makes the point well.


Brave Tory boys

One thing that didn't help was some of the brave Tory boys, once they were next to the security guards and the police, and just about to get inside, deciding to goad the protestors, not caring that it would be those in the queue behind them that would suffer the further wrath of the mob.

And I hated seeing kids shouting "Tory scum!" I am all for young people being encouraged to take an interest in politics but this is not the way.


Swampy Kray

Wished I'd had Ena with me, no-one would mess with Ena
I got particularly angry with a young man who looked like Swampy had Swampy been a Kray brother. I was on my way back from a fringe meeting at the old Coronation Street studios, lost in nostalgic thought of Deirdre, Rita and Ena Sharples when he shouted "Tory scum!" in my face. I started to talk to him but he walked off. I followed him and asked him why he'd done that.  "You're going in there," he said, meaning the conference. I said that attendance at the Tory conference does not make me a Tory, however ridiculous that sounds. "You must be," he said. I told him that many people went to their conference to keep an eye on what they were up to, and that if he abused everyone he met who had a tie on, he'd just succeed in pissing off people who actually agreed with him.

He looked thoughtful for a bit. I asked him to read my blog post about how local Tories had used my local hospital to gain votes, campaigning for the A&E to remain open before the 2010 election, letting it shut after and then accusing local people who questioned them on this as "obsessive." I was really bloody angry about that but I had highlighted a number of individuals' activities on this on twitter without calling anyone "scum" or anything that detracted from what I was saying.

He seemed interested so I gave him a card with my blog address on it. However, the card had a standard (cheap) design on it featuring a Union Flag. He said: "That flag is evil, if I take that card I will burn it." I would quite liked to have burnt him at that point.

(Cheap) card of evil
Another Swampy look-a-like took time out from tormenting a policeman to shout "Tory scum" at me as I tried to enter the 'secure' area for another meeting. I advised him that I was not, actually, a Tory. "Sorry lad," he said. "But have you f*cked a pig?" I told him that I was a vegetarian (this was a convenient lie) so no, I hadn't considered doing that. "But have you f*cked a pig?" he asked again. I've had better conversations with people in comas, so I left it there.

Moderately extreme

It struck me, having also seen UKIP folk turn up at the Tory conference a couple of years before, that I was completely wasting my time. Those at the extremes, left or right, have tunnel vision, fixed focus and a burning hatred for anyone with views other than their own and cannot see past the propaganda that is spewed out at them. They frighten some people away from protest and we all lose out.

The only answer is moderate extremism, which I intend to perfect once I have established what it is. Pint anyone?