Thursday, 26 January 2017


  • Southeastern Railways' management of derailment situation for passengers who still insist on going to work (and home again) causes more carnage than ASLEF or RMT ever managed through strikes at sister-company Southern Rail
  • Southeastern's contingency plan trapped behind filing cabinet. Manager with long fingers still off sick.
 Cab drivers in south-east London today called for Southeastern Railways managing director to be knighted after a complete lack of ability to provide any trains on a scale unprecedented since the week before, the week before that, the week before that and the week before that (ad infinitum).
"This'll cheer you up, it's our new strapline!"
The lack of trains led to many of them buying second and even third homes (third homes come really cheap if they are situated near Southeastern Railway stations) after working 25 hours a day, eight days a week transporting Southeastern's season-ticket holders around south-east London. Such were the carbon emissions generated around New Eltham that Donald Trump has agreed to 'look again' at climate change.
Cannon Street 24 January 2016. No trains running but all listed as 'on time'.
What a difference five minutes makes! All now 'delayed'... Apparently the information system is called Darwin. However, it has failed to evolve into a system that actually provides any useful information. When passengers asked if there was a manager on the station who could give us information we were informed that he "is on a 'break'"
Sidcup cabbie Bert Streatham-Rothschild said: "I've made Philip Green look like Billy No-Notes with my new found wealth. I'm so rich now that me and my Nissan are listed on the New York stock exchange. Southeastern has done me a right favour and it's only right that its MD gets recognition for the carnage that has led to my success. Mind you them passengers can be a bit miserable after they've been camping at a railway station since Christmas, no wonder those Southeastern Jonnies hate them so much."

London First, the organisation set up to make London look well tasty to work in by only protesting about the state of London's train services when there's a strike, could use pictures like this to show how much more time you get in London last thing at night, courtesy of Southeastern. You too can be transported to a station nowhere near where you live, with an even longer delay than advertised, to find all the staff gone and the cab office shut.

London Assembly Member, Dave Ham, said: "Is there a strike? It must be a strike. Bloody unions crippling London with their tea breaks and making British Leyland go bust. When I said before the election I'd challenge Southeastern I actually meant to a duel but that's illegal now so I can't do it. Good luck getting to work! Keep those emissions down though, get a bike or something. Let me know if there's a strike though and I'll wade in straightaway."
People made to dress in pink or powder-blue vests by
Southeastern specifically to say "I don't know" in eight different languages.
Southeastern Railways said: "It's an honour but we'd actually like the cash instead, is that possible? We don't know what passengers expect, we invested in thousands of gallons of paint and painted each of those pole things on the platforms hundreds of times over and now we give them the chance to inspect them whilst they wait for trains, literally for hours, they get miffed! By the way, that'll be £20 for that interview, or the full single fare from Wick."
"We hate you, inconveniencing us with requests to get our sh*t together..."
It is true that this week it's a derailment, and not a broken-down train or signals (or both), missing staff or sun too low in the sky. But cabbies were delighted when promises of services on other lines meant passengers had to get to stations much further away. Cabbies were positively orgasmic when services on those lines failed too and passengers re-emerged from stations waving wads of cash at them after Southeastern said what was happening to services was a 'secret' between it and its maker.
See here for January 2016 article celebrating Southeastern's achievements.