Prostitutes, would you?

The mystery of prostitution

"Prostitutes are like wives, but you can have sex with them." (David Eckhoff and probably 100s of others, 2013)

I was thinking of doing something on this for my next stand-up. There's nothing funny about sex-trafficking or women so desperate that they need to go on the game. But the men who indulge? I did know of one very senior chap once who did and it gave me a huge feeling of superiority over him knowing that after espousing moral values for his people in the workplace by day, he was hanging about the streets of north London, doing another type of 'business', by night. This made him into a figure of fun rather than a smooth, MBAd top exec.

What wasn't so funny was losing a client (a Finnish company) whose board not only jointly indulged but presented the receipts so that the venture capitalist, after an audit, withdrew all its funds making the UK employees redundant and losing a client for my business...

Anyway, the point is: would you? I wouldn't, even if I were single. I'm not morally opposed to prostitution but look at it this way: these women get a lot of practice. I would pay my money to carry out a task that they are way more professional at than me; it would be like me trying to show Michael Schumacher how to drive. It would be supremely humiliating, and at some considerable cost.

Barbie

"Ladies that sell kisses."

I have encountered prostitutes on a number of occasions. Once was with my daughters when they were about 10 and 7. We were walking around Amsterdam and of course we came across the area with the ladies in the windows. I thought we had better move on quickly but the girls were fascinated. "What are they doing?" they asked. "Selling kisses," I said (I am still proud of that answer). "They're beautiful, like Barbies!" said the girls, who demanded to walk down that street every day for the next three days, waving at the ladies. I gave in; they're 17 & 19 now and neither has set their sights on an apprenticeship 'on the game'; I expect the Government would withdraw the course the day they signed up anyway.

Soho, London

I worked in Soho for years and got the impression that you could do more naughty things on the back of a bus in Lyme Regis than the previously mean streets of W1; its heyday was long gone. However, I was approached by ladies of the night (and day) on three occasions, maybe I looked like I really needed a 'quick shag'.

1

On the first occasion I was approached by a very smartly dressed woman with a briefcase, the type of person I would normally expect to see at a conference on 'Mobile Applications for the 2020s' who asked: "Do you want sex?" That doesn't normally happen to me so I clearly looked startled. I eventually worked that there would be cash involved. I struggled a "No thanks," and she said: "Do you want boys?" That was a shocker, did I look like I wanted boys? Should I dress differently to avoid this confusion? Actually she offered me sex with her first (I presume) so I comforted myself that she was just covering all bases. "Only to clean my car," I said.

2

The second was merely an offer of 'business' in Brewer Street. Usually it was much harder to get clients than that, it involved pitches, research and Powerpoint, so I knew she wasn't offering me a PR contract. I was an old hand now so I simply refused.

3

The third was was outside Charing Cross station, about a mile from Soho. A middle-aged lady asked me if I could light her cigarette, presenting me with a box of Swan Vestas matches. I wondered why she couldn't light it herself but I had consumed about eight pints of Doombar, so I had a go at lighting her up, so to speak. As I did so, even through the alcohol, I felt her sliding her leg up my inner thigh. I said "I'll never get it lit if you do that," and carried on trying to light it. It was windy so I was on about the fifth match when she suggested we do the pyrotechnics back at her place. I began to realise at last what her game was and gave her back the matches, saying that in my condition "it would not present good value for money." We parted as friends.

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